My Heart Goes Out To You....

It's been awhile since I've gotten on here. Lots of stuff has gone on but I felt moved to write today.

Over the Christmas weekend, a friend of mine lost her grandson in a tragic car accident. He was 3 years old. It could have been prevented. I am so angry & so sad. There are mixed messages as to what happened, what the circumstances were but nonetheless, this could have been prevented. Don't drive like a bat out of hell. Slow down on the roads. And please, please, please, don't drive if you've had something to drink. Not one alcoholic beverage. If you have an argument with someone, cool down before you get behind the wheel. It's not worth losing a life over. And if you feel the need to 'vent', don't take your children with you. They deserve life just as you do. Talk to a friend. Go for a bicycle ride. Read your bible. Go for a walk. There are plenty of other things to do than to get behind the wheel when you are upset. Don't put others in danger.

I want to hold my own little boy right now. I know I'll be holding him tighter than usual now. He means the world to me & I'll do whatever it takes to protect him. I'm like a mommy lioness. I will protect my young at all costs!


RIP Tripp Gibney. Beautiful little boy. Taken from us prematurely. May you find comfort in our Father's arms.

Fatty McFatface, Your Hamburger With Everything Is Calling.

I woke up this morning in bad need of some coffee. After stuffing my face with a cream-filled donut, I looked at myself in the mirror & thought "Ok, fatty, you can stop now." I'm not always happy with the way I look. Being overweight is not what I ever imagined myself to be. And the funny thing is that most days when I look in the mirror, I don't see an overweight woman. I see me. A funny, sweet, loving person who gives her all to those she truly cares about. I am a mommy & that's where alot of my extras come from. If I hadn't have had my son, I would be thinner but not at the weight I'm supposedly suppose to be at.
I read somewhere that for my height, my ideal weight should be around 120. Ha! I haven't seen that since, Ohhh, I'd say 7th grade maybe. I was a comfortable 150 in high school but I didn't look 'fat'. Now, I'm topping the scales at 210 & even though I would love to look like I did in high school, I'm happy most days. I don't exercise like I should & I tend to eat too much popcorn. I have my weaknesses like everybody else. I am human.
I would love to weigh about 170 lbs. That is what I think looks good on my frame. Not too thin, not too heavy. Everybody carries their weight differently...I've just been blessed with some hips & muffin top. I think I'll go chew on a piece of celery now.

Time Heals All Wounds

I took a quiz on 'quiz monster/facebook' today & got the results that reminded me of the dream I wrote about not long ago. My 'movie romance' will end up like Ron & Hermione...friends forever turned into true love. The thing is, I don't have romantic feelings for any guy from my past that I'm close to now. One is getting married later this year & we tried the dating thing & it just wasn't for me. Another, is married. And the other, likes my sister but I've only been close to him for the past 4 years or so. Anyway, my point is: I can't predict my future. I don't even want to go there. Things will fall into place sooner or later.

I started thinking this week about the whole 'dating scene'. I don't know if I'm ready for it yet. I need to get in touch with my female friends. Connect with them before I even think about the male species. I need my girls to help build me up & remind me of who I am. One minute, I feel ready to hit the town & the next, I'm scared again. I guess the wounds heal at different rates.

I loved him. Very much. And he hurt me. The wounds he inflicted were deeper than any wound I'd ever felt before. And it's just scabbed over right now. It's getting better every day but every time I see him, it's like that scab is being picked on like a bad habit. I want to hate him but I can't. I thought I was dying when my ex-hubs left but this one is torture. My love for him was much more real & there was no ring involved. His loss,not mine is what I tell myself daily. It's true....but the pain is still there.

Re-reading what I've wrote makes me come to this conclusion: I'm not ready to date yet. I think it would be selfish of me to date someone right now due to the fact that I may compare them to him & they would get hurt in the process. I can't do that to anyone. Time heals all wounds.

Dreaming of You

I had a dream last night....a dream that is still floating in my mind. I have hope. Hope that he will find me someday. My dream...we feel like best friends. Like we've known each other forever. But I can't see his face. He's tall, somewhat tan, slender & had a loving touch. He loved my son, my cats & me unconditionally....but I can't see who he is. I felt secure, loved, appreciated, important & comfortable like I could trust him with deep, dark secrets...yet I don't know who he is. Full of laughter & awe of each other. I didn't feel like we rushed into anything. I felt completely myself around him. I was in love. He was in love. But we didn't know that until we just kissed one day. We started out as 'just friends' & it blossomed into something spectacular. Same values. Same dreams. Same goals. I woke up with a smile, with a new hope.

He's out there....somewhere....the man in my dream. I hope to find out it's Topher Grace someday. =) hahahahahahaha!

Friend or Foe? I may never truly know....

A call from a friend, asking for my opinion in a matter that I feel very much against....just to find out a few weeks later that during the time of the call, she was doing it anyway. I don't know why the call was even made if she had her mind made up anyway. Other than the fact that maybe she wanted some assurance that she was doing the 'right' thing even though in my opinion, she was doing the complete opposite.

It's hard to be a friend sometimes. If you call for my opinion, don't get upset if it's not what you want to hear. I'm not going to tell you that you are doing the right thing when deep down, I feel strongly against it! I want to be the friend that doesn't hold anything back. I hate being lied to....even if it's about my butt looking big in those new pants. It's all about respect. There is no need for lies of any kind.

I love this friend. I truly do. I will continue to set an example for all of my friends....even if I get hurt in the process.

Somewhere in the middle.....

I've thought about what I wanted to post today throughout the night....had so much to do this morning that I may have forgotten all the things I've wanted to say...but that doesn't matter. Whatever comes to mind will eventually be typed out.
I find myself wondering what happened to make you change in what seemed to be overnight. Lies & deception are your glorious treasures, aren't they? You think you're so good at it all...but my eyes have now seen the truth..FINALLY! I was blinded by what I thought was love. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. My hatred for you is growing. And for me to use the word 'hate' saddens me. I'm not one to hate yet with all of the pain you inflicted on me, I say it freely towards you.
I believe more now than ever that 'What goes around, Comes around'. You'll get what you deserve. 'You reap what you sow'...oh so true!
I refuse to let this anger stand in the way of what I am called to do. I refuse to let this pain keep me down. I refuse to let you control me. I once heard that 'He who angers you, controls you.' Well....you have no control over me anymore. Get over yourself.

Ok....that was my venting for now. There are many happy moments to share & even happier moments to dive into! Life is good. Focussing on the bad things in life only bring one down. Looking at the positives make life much more enjoyable so I am counting my blessings from now on. I know that I am not perfect but I am a child of God. I know who my Father is. He is loving, compassionate & forgiving. He will help me find a way to forgive those who have harmed me in one way or another...in time. I find peace in knowing that Daddy's arms are wrapped around me & that I am safe in His loving embrace. Attacks are upon me but I will stand firm. I refuse to be brought down!